Sunday, December 20, 2015

40 and got my degree: so now what?

After a long road, I finally have a degree in business management/marketing from the University of Nebraska at Kearney. My wife is proud of me. People have been sending me congratulations all over social media. My in-laws made sure they were at the ceremony.

But why am I not happy about it?

It could be issues at my current job: a well paying telecom retail job with major issues in management and new products. It could be the financial issues I’m having: daycare finally caught up with us and I have been hospitalized twice in the last two months. It could just be that the degree may not help me get a better job: this market that I live in tends to hire young. It could be medical: diabetes and depression is a nasty combination.

What I think the issue preventing me from feeling happy is the lack of social life and creativity. I haven’t been able to work on any software or 3D printing, plus I have been putting most of my real life interactions off to the side to finish school.

I need a few days to slow down and figure out where to start to become myself.

Sunday, November 29, 2015

Check-in for November 30, 2015

I have to be to work in about 9 hours, and I'm still up writing. This post is going to be more stream-of-conscious type writing, so I can get some thoughts out.

  • I need to get some good 3D designs that I can print going. I want to give everyone that means something to me a printed gift this year so I can play with something both nerdy and artsy.
  • This paper I don't want to do needs to get done this week.
  • What happens after I'm done with school? I don't want to seem bleak, but I don't think I'll get a better job than what I have right now.
  • When you don't post on social media, you don't get responses. Either people have way too much to process or everyone is vain. I'm saying both.
  • I really need to get back into Amateur Radio. D-STAR is awesome because I can talk to anyone with only a $400 radio.
  • I need to spend more time learning about Windows development for apps, 3D design, and how to not beat myself up because I can't do things on a regular scheduele.
  •  I'm not a fan of the holiday season in December because I equate cold and lights with stories about how people are mean and evil. Seriously, the Christian and Jewish holidays are stories with people being mean as the catalyst.
  • I'm really not a fan of the way people don't have perspective on what is important for life. Making sure that you have food, shelter, and dignity is important, but your dignity as a person is not tied to you getting a new phone because you broke yours and didn't take steps to make it easy for yourself.
  • I'm tired of everyone talking about points and sides on my social streams. That's why people don't hear from me.
Here's my point: I only plan to engage people if they do not want to polarize things. I'll even talk to people with polarizing points but are trying to discuss it in a civil manner. I really need to re-earn my humanity again, because I finally lost feeling for others, and that's not who I am.

Tuesday, September 15, 2015

I'm sick of being me.

I'm finally on a vacation after many months of nothing but work and school. I still have school going on, and should be studying right now, but I have no idea how to proceed. I finally realized that all of my humanity is gone.

I don't know how to act around others except to get away from them to get something else done.

I don't talk to anyone because I have had to do so much that I'm afraid to get anything started for fear of forgetting to do something else.

I don't even have hobbies anymore. No creative outlet.

I just play a few games because I can, not for any kind of joy. I've lost the joy of games.

I am too afraid to start another hobby because I don't have time to learn.

My wife is the same way. We love each other, really. When you have to work so much that only one person is left to run the house when the other is working, that's a problem. When I don't want to talk to friends because I don't have anything to bring to the table other than work, that's a problem. When I don't want to interact with people online, even a select group, because I get sick of hearing about the same thing over and over again, that's a problem. I'm so full of problems, I'm sick. Sick of inane people, sick of people that spout rhetoric, sick of people that feel and act entitled, sick of people that are not willing to put in effort. That last one is for me, because I am sick of being me right now.

Monday, June 1, 2015

krisguy's random thoughts for June 1st

  • Why do people just think that when I tell them what I can do, it will change when they complain?
  • Why do my kids not understand that keeping clean is a constant job?
  • Why does my body not like me, or I like it?
  • Why are people so distrustful of each other over small things?
  • Why do people feel that some of us have to do everything?
Just some thoughts that popped in my head today.