Let's get caught up on work life, shall we?

 It's been a rough year so far. Out of everyone in my family unit, I think I'm the one that is the most shaken and rocked.

I was working for Broadcom, a company that has a real habit of making sure their employees know they are numbers, and use their stock as a way to indenture their employees. I was at the point between the old Symantec and Broadcom that I went 4 years without getting a raise of any kind. When we got into an All Hands Meeting with the entire software part of the company and were being told that there would be no raises again, I snapped inside. I knew that they would be keeping the cash to help prop up the profits for the software side (that's part of the bonus structure), but I knew that my group was bleeding customers due to bad management decisions, so I wouldn't get a bonus.

After over 40 years of life, I finally figured out that sales engineering is the right mix of what I like: selling, technical achievement, and bridging the gap between hardcore technical thinking and human understanding. I decided that being forced into sales engineering by Broadcom (either take this role or voluntarily quit with no package) might be something I needed to get ahead.

Trying to get a different position in sales engineering in software really isn't that bad. Most people that are in IT want to think of themselves as "Mr. Hardcore SOC Leader, CISSP", but don't realize that in order for companies to thrive, humans have to buy the software. Sales engineering (SE from now on) is a skill that requires someone to have people skills, technical skills, communication skills, and drive. Most people either think of themselves as sales people, or technical people. SE positions are always in demand.

This last year, I got further in interviewing with multiple companies than I ever have before. Most didn't select me, but I publicly want to thank Pluralsight and ThreatQuotient for talking to me and giving me the opportunity to see if I was a fit.

I accepted an offer with Spirion in August of this year, basically because the people that interviewed me seemed really excited to work with me. It was so good to have someone treat me like I was important with minimal contact or knowledge of me. They felt that I was good enough to double my salary.

That's when I started to slowly break. I have a really hard time taking compliments because most of the best compliments I have ever heard have been backhanded or used against me. Getting told I was good and also getting more money than I have ever gotten in my life became the catalyst for the biggest battle of self doubt I've had since asking my wife to marry me.

When I put in my notice, my coworkers that worked with me in the Draper office had nothing but nice things to say, and I believed them. Management couldn't be bothered to try to save me, as I was working with non-core accounts (top 1500 accounts are all that Broadcom cares about, period) and could "easily be replaced".

After joining Spirion, I realized that small companies really fly by the seat of their pants. The constantly changing structure with the mental health issues set me back about a month and a half. I'm in a situation where I feel like I screwed up my entire path with this organization, but neither one of us wants to end it. I'm still working, trying to get to the point where my team will let me help sell. I have a feeling that they want to do something different or special with me, but things just aren't lining up quite right.

Let's see where this goes. I just hope my brain can move out of the way enough to get this work going right.